November 2, 2008
Sunday

What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What’s that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How’d that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!
            — Steve Martin, b. 1945, American comedian
                on Saturday Night Live, October 13, 1979

As I said just about this time last year, I find deep cleaning some corner of clutter a soothing activity, especially if it distracts me from something that is confusing or frustrating me. I’m waiting for November 4 to be over. As comedian Larry David has said, this is like waiting for the results of a biopsy. You can’t move forward until you have more information. I’m stalled in my writing, in my reading, in my life.

Yesterday, when I couldn’t find a device to grate some orange peel for cherry scones, I cleaned out the gadget drawer, washed the whole thing down, considered all the implements (why do I have three pizza cutters and no cheese grater?), and then put them away neatly (including only one pizza cutter). I made the scones with dried orange peel, and then when I needed a pot holder, I became interested in redding out and organizing that collection of kitchen necessities.

I found two Christmas-themed pot holders, a red casserole grabber that actually belongs to Lynn (it came in a set of learn-to-cook items I got her when she was ten), and some chip bag clips. At the very back of the drawer I found the device pictured at left.

In the words of Steve Martin from Saturday Night Live, “What the hell is that?”

It is evidently meant to be hung on a wall. The slots for the screws and the plastic anchors that are in the little bag are on the back, so imagine the straight edge at the top mounted flush against a wall. That means the thing would jut out, but what would you do with it? The round part looks something like a thing for gripping jar lids while you try to unscrew them, but I certainly wouldn’t mount one (especially one that is not adjustable) on a wall. And what’s the slot for? Additional questions: where did it come from, when did it get here, and why did I put it in that drawer?

If anyone out there knows what it is, clue me in. For now, I’m going with Bill Murray’s response to Steve Martin: “I would not mess with that thing.”

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