Oh wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
           And foolish notion.

We sat in a circle of folding chairs, some two dozen adults of Tree of Life Lutheran Church, gathered for Sunday School. I've been part of this congregation for five years. Some of these people I know well. I serve on church committees with them and see them at other church functions. Some are part of my life away from church. Some I know only by sight.

We were studying a bible story in which Jesus heals a blind man. The leader wished us to read the text aloud in parts -- we'd need a narrator, crowd members, the blind man, his parents, and, of course "someone with a big ego" to read as Jesus.

"Well," said one woman, "Maggy's here!." (Maggy is the name by which I am known at TLC.)

I was taken aback. I stared at her. The part of Jesus was taken up by a man with a deep, Charlton Heston voice. I barely heard the story or the discussion.

I kept wondering what she meant. Does she think I'm egotistical? Self-centered? Self-absorbed? Did the leader say "big ego" or "healthy ego?" Is there a difference? Is it a character flaw to have one? Is there necessarily a correlation between the size or health of one's ego and the quality of one's self-esteem?

I hardly know the woman who spoke of me. Last spring she attended a reading discussion group I led. We were both group leaders one year for Vacation Bible School. She's a nurse, a bit younger than I am, with two grade school sons. The younger one seemed to have severe separation anxiety issues when he was a toddler -- he would sob inconsolably throughout his entire stay in the nursery or his preschool class. Things seem to have gotten easier for him. 

I guess it could probably be assumed that anyone who would put out an on-line journal, a collection of one's thoughts, opinions, writings, etc., would have to have a big or a healthy ego. But she doesn't know I have this. What is it about me that made her say that? Are there others of whom she would not say it?

I took her remark as a criticism and it stung me. Near the end of the class there was a question about the use of spit and mud to heal the blind man's eyes. Someone turned to me for etymological input on the phrase "spittin' image" -- it's "spit and image," I said, and gave a brief rundown of the history of the phrase, feeling all the while that perhaps sharing special knowledge had labeled me as egotistical.

Twenty-four hours later I'm still thinking about this. And I don't know what that means.